Why can’t my kid __________? Fill in the blank. Get themselves dressed. Get their planner signed. Stay at the table through a whole meal. Or why won’t my kid listen to me and do what I ask?
I have asked myself these exact questions and hear similar concerns from parents on a weekly basis. When you notice your frustration starting to rise, see if one of the tips or reminders below gives you a tool to use instead.
As parents, we all want our kids to listen to us and do well—whether it’s in school, sports, chores, or anything else they try. But what happens when they struggle? Sometimes, kids seem like they just don’t care, or they refuse to even try. It can be frustrating! But before jumping to conclusions, it’s important to ask: Is this a skill problem or a motivation problem?
Understanding the difference can help you respond in a way that truly supports your child. Let’s break it down and look at ways to help in both cases.
What’s a Skill Deficit?
A skill deficit means your child doesn’t yet have the ability to do something. Maybe they’ve never been taught, or they need more practice. For example:
- A child who struggles with reading might not have learned how to sound out words properly.
- A child who gets frustrated with math might not understand the steps to solve a problem.
- A child who avoids cleaning their room might not know where to start or how to organize their things or how to complete a job that FEELS like it’s going to take a million hours.
How to Help a Child with a Skill Deficit:
- Teach and Model: Show them step-by-step how to do the task. Break it into smaller parts.
- Practice Together: Guide them as they try. Let them ask questions.
- Use Encouragement: Praise effort, not just results. “I love how you kept trying!”
- Give Tools and Resources: If they struggle with math, try online tutorials or a tutor. If they need help organizing, give them labeled bins and a checklist.
- Support Generalization: Kids might need extra training or support to use a skill in different settings or emotional situations. Just because they can do something at home doesn’t mean they can easily do it at school or when they’re feeling stressed. Be patient and help them practice in different contexts.
What’s a Motivation Deficit?
A motivation deficit means your child has the ability to do something but doesn’t want to. They may feel overwhelmed, uninterested, or discouraged. For example:
- A child who can read but avoids it might find it boring or too hard.
- A child who knows how to do math but won’t do their homework might feel frustrated or unmotivated.
- A child who knows how to clean their room but refuses might not see the point.
How to Help a Child with a Motivation Deficit:
- Find the Root Cause: Ask, “What makes this hard for you?” or “What would make this easier?”
- Make It Fun: Turn tasks into a game or a challenge. Use timers or rewards.
- Give Them a Choice: Let them pick when or how they do the task (e.g., “Do you want to clean up now or after dinner?”).
- Connect to Their Interests: If they love superheroes, find books about their favorite characters. If they dislike math, show how it relates to real life (like shopping or cooking).
- Praise Small Wins: Recognize their effort and progress. “You read for 5 minutes today—that’s great!”
Motivation Can Be Extra Challenging for Neurodiverse Kids
For children with ADHD, autism, or other kinds of neurodiversity, motivation can be even more complex. They may struggle with executive functioning, sensory sensitivities, or emotional regulation, making it harder to start or sustain tasks. In these cases, patience, structured support, and creative approaches—like visual schedules, movement breaks, or personalized rewards—can make a big difference.
Sometimes It’s Both!
Sometimes, kids struggle with both skill and motivation. If a task feels too hard, they may avoid it, making it seem like a motivation problem when it’s really a skill problem. On the other hand, if they don’t see the point of learning a skill, they won’t be motivated to try. That’s why it’s important to be patient and supportive.
When your child struggles, ask yourself: Do they need to learn the skill, or do they need a reason to try? With the right approach, you can help them build confidence and succeed!
And if you ever need more help, please reach out! We’re here to help parents and kids as they build their skills and motivation!